人生

“人生的重大决定，是由心规划的，像一道预先算好的框架，等待着你的星座运行，如期望改变我们的命运，请首先改变心的轨迹。”--毕淑敏

乱七八糟但好玩的东东（可不是人的名字哦；P）

这是我在槟城探亲时，一时兴起写下来的（自认有些肤浅。我从来没有学过华文诗，所以压韵会乱七八糟。连我自己都不知道这是属于哪类。）：


命运是残酷的
因为它犹如无常的海，可以随时突如其来的把你粉身碎骨，毫无完尸。

背景是残酷的
因为它把人隔在一个小筐筐里，使人很难在社会里成立个人的身份。

社会是残酷的
因为那里只有诽谤，毁谤，伤痛，伤痕的地方。

往童真者的背后捅刀是残酷的
因为它不但杀灭了童真还把世界变得更加阴险。

把人捧上九霄之外后却只带给他失落是残酷的
因为希望越高，失望就越大。

虽然命运是残酷的
但它使恋人相遇。

虽然背景是残酷的
但它可以使人更容易踏入社会或是自己所打并出的成绩更为突出，耀眼。

虽然社会是残酷的
但我们也可以从那里感受到善心人士的热心，真诚。

虽然暗地里捅人是残酷的
但它使人更加的坚强，自立更深。

虽然使他人失落，绝望是残酷的
但它教受害者不能高傲，
因为有血有肉的人不是万能的。

k. I admit this sounds weird....

City people: Sufferings

Just to add on to the previous post, today, as per normal, I read my favourite section of the Sunday edition of the Chinese newspaper, zbW's《私房稿》by 吴悠律,besides the comics which are satire in nature and reflects our society. Oh yeah, only now I realised that this chinese name also sounds like no worries which is reflective of his bulletin. He comments on the city people, their lifestyle, thoughts and their attitudes and behaviour. This issue is on how city people magnifies their hardships and minimise their happiness, especially when conversing with each other.

With regards to the telling of hardships part, the author said that "遇上某些无法避免的伤痛，不必假装他们不存在或伤害小，但也不必过分放大或扭曲；坦然接受他们成为自己一体，脚步当然不可能因此就健步如飞，但应该不会再有先前的仓皇”，which I totally agree with the author. What the author is saying is that when you stumble upon unavoidable sufferings, there is no need to deny their existance nor minimise them nor even magnify them nor distort them; accept them as part of who you are (as it moulds your identity , like it or not) even though by doing this you would not be able to carry on life at a faster pace but you would not have hesitations nor uncertainty like before.

(Sorry if I don't make sense. I tried my best but sometimes, I just could not translate properly. Now, I'm thinking of whether to translate the previous blog but I don't know if there are chinese reading this blog, if there are any other readers besides those who have commented before.)

The thing is that what Thomas Szasz said in his book, The Second Sin (1973) "Personal Conduct", "the stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget." By forgiving, you would be able to have a better time in life as " a cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones", Proverbs 17:22, and in scientific view, you use up a lot of muscle when you frown as compared to smiling. So what for you increase your burden, making yourself worn out and, in the long run, causing one's mental state to worsen when you are able to reduce it? However, to not to make the same mistake again, one should remember the incident as a reminder of the lesson learnt to allow one to make a better and wiser choice.

Ture, it is always easier to preach than to carry out the preaches. However, if one makes a conscious effort, one would be able to do it with much practice, even I needed a long period of time to come out of the dark whirpool of negative emotions,which are a lot more intense than those reflected in my poems posted, even though I had, in a way, forgave those people and Fate. These which are what the author also said, "蹲太久的膝盖有站立的挣扎，习惯黑暗包围的眼睛有阳光刺痛的隐忧，被痛苦没顶的心灵有逃避快乐的危险”, which basically means when one had been suffering for long, one would not be able to come out of one's suffering as one would tend to block out the positive side of life.

Finally, like what the author said, when one complains about how life's harsh, encourage each other by replying that tomorrrow would be a better day, which may cause one to laugh but it is still better for one to laugh instead of frowning, 把悲愤化为正面的力量。如同我曾经在一篇散文里写的：“翅膀是要找你的，不是别人给的。。。处在繁忙、充满虚幻的社会的你感到疲惫时，不乏停下脚步，找一找你的翅膀。”是的，与其被社会甚至世界牵着鼻子走，把自己弄得眼花缭乱，昏头昏脑的犹如无头苍蝇，倒不如找个宁静的地方，静坐思考，认清方向后，再重新出发也不迟。一个人的生命中难免会遇见不如意的事，甚至会有种被推下十八层地狱的感觉，但是事情的好坏是在于个人的心态，把心态调整过来，事情大多数没有你想象的遭。生活上的考验是为了让你更加的坚强，更加的能珍惜眼前的事物。

Exams over finally!

Yappy, A levels are over!!!!Sorry, I just felt like letting it loose. Haha, it does not sound like the 冰月 in this blog. K. Now switch. Back to the more familiar 冰月。

Things happen for reasons and sometimes, the reasons only dawn on us after a period of time. Maybe not dawn but some other words like, realise or the effect of the 'things' felt. It happened to me a few times and quite recently,during this period of time where it happened consequtively. Back then, I was so super stressed and stretched almost to a breaking point that when I saw a channel to relate it to one of them as I happened to interact and thus opened up with the person. I ended up blurting out everything, including the past which best left buried, except for the names of the parties involved. I was quite worried that I had let out too much and said something that I would seriously regret due to obligations, hurting others unintentionally. Recently, the others, including the person realised who those parties were and there are some changes in some of those people's attitudes, in all aspect, showing signs of changing into a better person, including becoming stronger. Only, now then I realised that I had not fufilled my agreement to 'walk in the light', not caring about the dark corners in the light nor being burnt, if it is possible in the light, and had only, truely done that in that very moment which I was so worried about. The hardships and obstacles in life were not just to mould one into a better person but to also spur others on and become a candle in the dark, touching other's lives.

PS: Even as I was typing this entry and after publishing it, I deliberated many times between the choice of delecting it or posting it.

Reflection

I happened to drop by my friend's blog and saw the entry tittled mask. He was commenting on the facade which people put on just to hide or for protection and that 'no one knows the...real thing except you and yourself...'. However, I don't really agree on it. Sometimes, one may not even know what is the real thing when one wears the mask for a very long time. One may have put on the mask just for protection against potential threats but as time goes by, one's real face is easily forgotten as more and more comments were made on his/her mask. One may end up believing that that mask is really one's face. The line between reality and facade just simply blurred. That's when you get identity crisis. Scary, isn't it? Just because you want to protect yourself or to hide, you get yourself into a big mess which you might not be able to climb out.

On another note, it reminded me of a poem I had written two years ago when I first stepped into an unfamiliar school, into a very different environment.

New

New faces
New places
New routines
But where is the old?

Old masks starting to fade
Leaving an inept baby
Fending for itself
With mixed colours of blue, grey and green.

New, soft mask
Crept slowly onto
old, hard crisps of the
old mask.

Once again cutting off
From the world.

To friends whom I have lost contact with

"Who are you now
Are you still the same
Or did you change somehow
What do you do
At this very moment when I think of you"
"Instead of moving on, I refuse to see
That I keep coming back
And I'm stuck in a moment "
"I still care about you
I still feel you
Like I'm right beside you
But still no word from you "
(Backstreet boys "I still")

Friends come and go with time but the bonds still stay.

放松

仰望天空，让徐凤吹走每丝的烦恼。

赏诗

“众芳摇落
独暄妍
占尽风情
向小国
疏影横斜
水清浅
暗香浮动
月黄昏”

宝林逍诗

Songs craze

胡彦斌的歌词好诗意，好久没看到这种的歌词了！欣赏。


《潇湘雨》

"...
你多情无心的一笔
把我葬在等待里”

“花儿开在雨季
心碎在手里
那叫潇湘的女子在哪里
花儿开在雨季
心碎在手里
那瞬间足够用一生去回忆
花儿开在雨季
心碎在手里
那瞬间足够用一生去珍惜
潇湘雨无法忘记”

请恕在下无知，可是在下怎么好像看到戴玉的影子。

《葬英雄》

“。。。
哦谁能轮数焉
是英雄是狗熊
哦老天还没定
成为王
败为寇
还要看天命”

“。。。
这三尺黄土够不够埋你一世骂名
生死约定
真爱难寻
是多情是无情
拿命来证明
人会变情难尽
谎言很公平

这三尺黄土
能不能葬你霸业雄心
物换星移
这青史谁来留名
不要恨
生不逢时
天要灭你轮回早已注定 ”

人往往只看得到眼前的名和利，被这些蒙着眼，看不清什么是真实，什么是虚幻。

《红颜》

“剑煮酒无味饮一杯为谁
。。。
你是英雄就注定无泪无悔
这笑有多危险是穿肠毒药
这泪有多么美只有你知道”

英雄这词隐藏着多么大的包袱。英雄无泪，只能流血，尽管心里是多么的痛苦，难受， 英雄只能往前冲，背负着众人的期望，带领众人。 犹如林俊杰《曹操》中的“若是英雄 怎么能不懂寂寞”，英雄所承受的寂寞，旁人无从知晓。

《蝴蝶》

“。。。
化作蝴蝶飞舞
天空灿烂夺目
是生命绚丽的蓝图
迎着晨露
无拘无束
到一个自由的国度
哪怕仅仅是一棵树
人间可恶
留恋何苦
还不如与蜘蛛为伍”

东方有梁祝，西方有罗密欧与朱丽叶。古代有门当户对的世俗，如今是否真的已经摆脱了这世俗呢? 又有多少不为人知的悲剧在世上的各个角落重演？

《愿望》

“。。。
找到方向 揭开迷茫
学着坚强 努力去闯

我想让自己许个愿望
抓颗星星坐在月亮上
我想让自己随风歌唱
。。。
我想让自己飞翔
年轻是趐膀
我要飞过太平洋
我想让自己跟着太阳
找到那片属于我自己的晴朗”

试问何人又不想如此？歌词述说着现代人的心声，可是当人步入晚年，又有多少梦被毁灭？到时，我们只能仰望天空，回想起那埋在脑海里深处的一段拥有那些梦的过往。

回忆

《突然好像你》 五月天

“最怕空气突然然安静
最怕朋友突然的关心
最怕回忆突然翻滚
交痛着不平息
最怕突然听到你的消息
最怕此生已经决定自己过
没有你却又突然
听到你的消息“

等我弄清怎么把文件放上上网站，再把文章-不因该是小说吧，放上去。

Stumble in life

Failures are part and parcel of life. It makes us a better person. Bear it well. Bear it with pride. Bear it close to your heart. With every little step, look back to the failures. And spur yourself even harder.

"You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day (Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
So where is the passion when you need it the most"--Bad day by Daniel Powter

破灭

幻觉破灭后，迎面而来的只有冷酷无情的世界。刺骨的寒风直入心底，挡也挡不住。心再次的冰冷起来，比从前更寒冷。

茫然

翅膀，又被铁链捆住了。无形的链叫我如何从中解脱。挣扎着，只会让自己觉得更累，伤痕也更多。在原地，只能眼睁睁地看着其他鸟儿自由的在广阔无边的蓝天飞翔，永远到达不了目的地。可能是确认的方向模糊了，没有一个明确的方向，你永远不会到达陆地，只能在原地徘徊，甚至动荡不得。倒不如暂时暂停挣扎，认清方向再从新出发。

《给我一双翅膀》

优等生是被人羡慕的。优等生是高高在上的。优等生甚至是被大人爱戴的。可是，优等生未必是快乐的。优等生未必是高人一等的。优等生甚至有时是众人攻击的目标，是在背后捅一刀的最佳对象。

其实，一个人当上优等生是件容易的事。你只要肯在学业上下一番苦功，肯听从长辈的话，当一个乖巧的孩子，别人就会认同你了。想当时，我就是这样冒冒失失地当上了优等生。当时的我认为父母、老师所说的话都是对的，都是很有道理，便顺着他们的指示，接受他们的教诲。在他们的教导下，我渐渐成了一个品德优良，成绩良好，不折不扣的优等生。
　　
当我‘升’上优等生的等级时，烦恼接二连三地迎来。我是个很敏感，抵抗力弱的人，患有先天性哮喘。班上的人看到我是老师的宠儿，并且长期不用上体育课，只需做在一旁观看，他们对我的意见越来越多，渐渐地在我背后闲言闲语。我开始害怕上学，常常生病，天天以泪洗脸。在一个学期内，我的成绩从八十多分跌落到三十多分。自尊心强的我再一次的流下眼泪，再一次又被他们取笑，唤我‘哭宝’，是个懦夫。

面对长辈们失望的眼光，我不知如何应对，不断自责，觉得对不起他们，对不起自己。这时，我才明白什么是期望寄放得越高，失望就越深。为了不再让这件事重演，我把情感封锁了，只在单独一人时解放出来。

“冷月葬花有谁怜”，我越把我感情丰富的一面埋在心地底，越能把事情处理得妥当，周围的人越容易误解我，忘了我是人，是有七情六欲的人。十年的自我约束使我成了在陌生人眼中的冰人，在老师眼里的优等生，值得信赖的学生，把我捧上如今这个傲人的职位。我深知职位越高，责任就越重，就更要注意我的言行举止。我还是接下了这个职位，承担多一份压力，认为只有经过火焰的洗礼，麻雀才会变成朱雀。

如今的我累了，身心疲惫了，好想卸下包袱。在十八年里，我第一次品尝了渴望依靠别人的滋味。可是，冰冷的理智不应许我这么做，一旦有人想接近我，我立刻戴上了面具，使他们疏远我，能将心比心的朋友少之又少，深怕再一次的被伤害，再次的令长辈失望。

名誉、期望使我如同没有翅膀的鸟儿，行走起来极为艰辛。名誉会使人重视你，但名誉的背后是期望。我宁可当个普通的少年，宁愿思考能力差，宁愿不明白世理。给我一双翅膀，给我一把自由的钥匙。哦，不，错了。翅膀是要找你的，不是别人给的。信仰是我多年来的力量之源，是支撑我的翅膀。处在繁忙、充满虚幻的社会的你感到疲惫时，不乏停下脚步，找一找你的翅膀。

　　二零零八年十一月一日

精神粮食

"人生的岁月里，对于远去的仇恨，我们是不是应该...，叩问一下自己的灵魂：在心中该留下些什么？"/流沙

“Memories”

A walk down the memory lane
where the dead are alive,
where happiness ruled.

Fleeting events
haunting like
birds of prey
tugging at the edge of sanity.
Scenes which were best left dead,
reeling in rolls and rolls,
again and again…

Dead seven sins
Resurrected in the flowery lane, wait, no
in the breathing world.

Burning scenes
of sloth
of gluttony
of pride
of greed
of envy
of lust
of wrath
*burning, burning.
Waves of guilt and shame
crash into us
again, again.
Never-ending hell.
Where’s tranquility?
Ghost of the past
laid down to rest?

* or
burning, burning
burning, scorching, or
scorching, burning?
Hot? Pain?
Guilt? Shame?
Who cares?

Ghost of past
laid down to rest?
Who cares?

Hell

Dead?
Not yet.
Hades said it wasn’t time yet.

Whips, and thorns (of seven deadly sins)
torturing battered bodies
which was secured to
chains that hung for ceilings
where red rubies dropped
to the pool of dried brown patch.

Screams of horror
turned into silent pleads
that was not headed at all.
Once crystal clear tears,
which rolled down the cheek
are now coloured in red.

Poison
which was forced down the throat
burned every places
it reached.

Hurried footsteps
heard outside in the forest
were silenced
by the gun fires.

With blistering foot, and rotting wounds
she pressed on
deep into the forest,
leaving a trail of black blood
that pollute the nature’s own fruits.

Soft, silent waters
that washes away dirt,
failed to do so
on the weary prisoners forever.

Dead?
No.
Not yet.
Hanging to a thread of life.
It's not time yet.

(written in 8/7/06)